The sharp edge of "new life" ...

Suppose you were told when you were 16 that you'd never have a child of your own.  Suppose also, at that age you had a surgery that supported the doctors claims.  What would you do?  How would you react? Women are supposed to be mothers!  They are supposed to bare and rear and nurture beautiful babies into adult hood. Right?!  So now what?

*****"As a woman I know there isn't much I wouldn't do to become a mom.  There are some women out there that feel just fine with pursuing a career or other pursuits and that is a fine goal for them.  But I knew at the age of 7 that I wanted children and lots of them. During Family Home Evening when I was 8 My dad played this game of "pretend ancestoral lines."  This is where we would take a family tree and write the pretend names of our spouse and children on the lines.  For me that huge page of 20 or more lines was totally filled.  Each child that I put on there not only had a name but had a gender and a twin.  Yep you read that right a twin.  I wanted children, and I wanted them to come at me like Noah wanted animals on the ark, in pairs.  My dad laughed at me and I remember feeling very confident that all would be perfect.  So at the age of 15 I began having pain.  Not a lot at first just some here and there, but it was bad when it did come.  By age 16 it was coming more frequently.  I hadn't said much to may parents but one morning when I tried to get out of bed the pain was so bad the I fell to the floor.  I couldn't stand up because it was so excruciating.  I used every strength I had to crawl up the stairs to my parents room.  I laid on the floor in the door way of their room and called for my mom.  She came to my aid. She quickly booked an appointment for a clinic that we could go to but it was 30 minutes away.  I did my best to get out to the car and we began the commute. Once there the Doctor took a look.  His diagnosis:  "I'm not sure...its either her appendix or it is her reproductive system. We'll need to do an ultrasound to find out."  After the ultrasound they told me that I had A LOT of free fluid in my system and they were not sure if my appendix had ruptured or not but that they needed to do surgery right away to stop what ever source the fluid was from.  I was in surgery for a very short time (at least to me :+D). Once awake I was told that my appendix was bad but the source wasn't from that.  It was from some very very large ovarian cysts, 14 of them to be exact, that were rupturing and bleeding internally.  I had been bleeding to death slowly.  They said that the damage done would most likely prevent me from ever having children and that I also needed to be on birth control for a very long time to try and combat the affects of all the problems these cysts caused.  They said that if I ever went off of the birth control that the amount of cysts that would return would be catastrophic and I could possibly die.  My dreams of being a mom were crushed. I left that day in heavy spirits.  Flash forward to a bright beautiful sunny day in July when I meet the man destined to be my husband.  I have dated many guys and none of them were told of this possible road bump.  How do you tell the man you want to spend eternity with that his hopes of ever having a child of his own were next to zero?  However that night I did I told him with fear in my heart. As he looked at me with love in his eyes his response was incredible to say the least.  "we'll just have to adopt then." he said while looking straight through my eyes and into my heart. I knew that this man was mine and he would love and understand me.  One year after our marriage I made a decision to stop the birth control.  My husband was worried but I was sick of how it made me feel and I wanted to know if I could have a baby so I stopped taking them.  3 months later I awoke in the middle of the night with full confidence that I was indeed pregnant. 3wks later the test confirmed.  This was joy beyond joy! I remember my husbands reaction to the news.  He was so excited and he said "It's going to be a girl."  I asked him how he was so sure and he said, "Because I need to do some growing up."  We laughed but those words were more true for us than we would have ever imagined. On the flip side it was an incredible feeling to know that I was beating my own odds.  We were religious with the appointments and ultra-sounds. But at 23 wks something wasn't quite right.  I had gained 27 pounds in 3 wks. Being my first baby and first pregnancy I had no clue as to what might be going on so I just waited for the Doctor to explain to me why nothing fit any more..including all of my large maternity clothes.  He responded in a way that I can only describe now as complete mockery and medical negligence.  "You gained 27 lbs in 3 wks you know that right!?" he said.  "well ya, I am not sure why but nothing is fitting anymore."   "you need to lay off the potato chips!" he announced in such a demeaning manner that I felt 1inch tall.  "I watch what I eat I promise."  is the response I peddled out as quickly as possible hoping to bandage the gaping wound that I now felt. "Well it was over the holidays maybe YOU WEREN'T paying attention."  I went home so deflated and ashamed that I began doing something that made my situation deadly without my knowledge.  I began to run.  Every night I jogged.  Trying desperately to squelch the issue that I was told I had started.  27wks gestation a mere 3 1/2 weeks later my husband and I were at a pre-super bowl party.  When suddenly I had pain in my stomach area.  Thinking that it was the hot sauce from the wings I went upstairs to be alone and not inhibit the party going on.  The longer I sat there the worse the pain became.  About an hour later the pain was so unbearable that I could no longer walk.  I crawled over to the stairs and called to my husband.  He came up just in time to see me begin vomiting.  We went home from the party where the pain just kept increasing.  My husband kept trying to get me to go to the hospital but the fear that they would send me home kept me from agreeing.  At some point in the night my husband decided that enough was enough and he took me in.  They attached me to all sorts of machines and then took my blood pressure.  186/212...Nurses began to scramble and yell things.  I was in too much pain to notice. Here I was sitting on the bed with the garbage can in my lap just heaving and heaving.  A new pain began to emerge.  My head began hurting so bad that I couldn't see.  Eventually I blacked out. I could hear voices but I couldn't see anything.  I don't know how long I was unconscious but in the darkness I heard a voice.  It was my father in law telling me he and my husband were going to give me a blessing.  I fell asleep right after that moment and I felt a deep sense of peace.  The next day I was awoke to the sound of a lot of movement.  When I was finally able to open my eyes I realized I was being prepped for life flight.  They flew us to St. Lukes Hospital in Boise.  That night I underwent emergency C-Section to save both mine and my daughters life.  When they delivered her she made a very small cry and then instantly turned blue.  They showed her to me as they whisked her past to a bed made especially for her with a ventilator and all sorts of tubes and lines.  She was so small!! 1lb 10 oz and 13in. 

this wasn't real, this couldn't be real!!! This isn't supposed to be how this works!  My thoughts were reeling. After recovery they allowed me to go in and see her.  I was in denial at first.  I still felt asleep.  Back in the darkness of the hospital room in Pocatello, not here in Boise.  I had made this up.  But as my mind slowly began to realize the reality of it all a deep deep sadness, a kind that I can only describe as a 200lb weight tied to my body dragging me down to drown me, was pouring into my mind and heart.  What now?, What if...?  How do I care for her? What should I do?  So very many questions and very few answers awaited behind that Pediatric Intensive Care door where our child lay under warming lights and a cover over her eyes.  "Don't talk loud." they told us. "it makes her breathing stop, and her heart rate drop."  "try not to touch her, it stresses her out and causes her to have problems."  they said.  I felt helpless.  Still trying to recover on my end but trying so hard to feel like an actual mom when I can't hold her or touch her or even talk to her, it was the worst feeling of my life.  I suddenly felt as though I really wasn't a mom.  I was just an observer of someones  life while I tried to recover from some accident or illness or something.  5 days later they discharged me from the hospital.  I still remember the day so well.  It was raining out, similar to the scene of a movie, I stood at the window and watched the rain pour down and I cried.  The intensity of my tears I had not felt ever before.  My daughter lay in the hospital on deaths bed and I was no longer near her like I should be.  I was 3 1/2hrs away from any family or friends and I felt so empty.  At this moment I should have knelt to pray but I didn't.  I just let the sadness take me away.  I just closed my eyes and allowed the darkness to swallow me whole. 2 wks later I still hadn't even tried to pray.  Not because I didn't believe but because I was so consumed in my situation that I didn't think about it.  However at 2 am We received a call from the PICU informing us that our daughter had a really bad infection and she probably wouldn't make it.  She had to have a surgery to insert a line into her heart and we needed to go to the hospital right then and sign papers.  I sat outside that door and watched through the window as they performed surgery on our little lady and I prayed the entire time.  2 hours of constant prayer awoke something in me, it awoke my spirit to something I had been missing. This thing was My Father in Heavens love.  During the 2 weeks that we had been there and during the times I felt so alone he was there just waiting to lift me and help me if I'd ask him. But I hadn't until now.

  My husband had been the rock up until this point. He was always praying, always by her side ready to give her a blessing when she needed it and always prepared to pick me up when the darkness was just too much, and I am forever grateful to him for that. But it was time for me to give up my worries, my sadness, my anxieties to someone that knew what to do.  Someone that could take the reigns and help guide the doctors and give them success. That morning she barley pulled through the surgery. She lay swollen and feverish but stable. We watched our beautiful peanut endure and overcome many many other scares during her 4 1/2 months in the PICU.  But from that moment forward I never forgot to ask God for help.  This moment in my life had been so hard but I realized that It had been harder during the first 2 weeks without the Lords help. I have said many times in the past that 1st time parents should never have to go through this.  But the truth is,  I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. I found a strength that was beyond my own, I found a hope that was more sure than anything I had ever felt, and I also gained a knowledge that God is there and he knows our needs.  All of our needs.   My daughter is 13 now.  She went through 5 surgeries in her first 2 years and a couple others along the way.  She has more scars than I could ever count all over her tiny body but along the way she and has always remained happy and optimistic. She is an incredible source of joy, love, and strength.  This girl is not afraid to tell someone how much she and Heavenly Father loves them and she bears her testimony of love and peace to whom ever she meets.  She is a defender of those that are down trodden and will give her very last penny to anyone that needs it.  I learn from her every day, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have had to be strengthened by her. If I could go back in time I wouldn't do this any other way.  Its what we learn when we are pushed to the very edge that makes us appreciate all that we had to endure along the way.  It is all worth it if we allow ourselves to learn while God is teaching."  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ


Moroni; chapter 7
 40 And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

 42 Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

 43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

44.........by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

 48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

*Please send me your edge of the miracle story to (edgeofthemiracle@outlook.com). I will preview it and then keep in close contact with you before featuring it in an upcoming blog.  There are people out there that need your strength.  They need the kind of peace only your story can bring.  Even if you don't feel like it is worth a feature, just know that someone out there somewhere is needing to hear how you have overcome and the lessons that you have learned.  You may save their life or quite possibly save many lives. We need your story.