I have never walked on water. But from what I have
read..it seems extremely difficult. However the challenges we face are
sometimes just as hard. It feels almost impossible to gain footing and
then once we do the storm around us seems altogether overwhelming. Here
is a Story of a mother whose trial felt just as impossible.
"It is true. The first
step is always the hardest. You have to know that before I took that
first step to getting better I didn't really want it. I wasn't sure that
I had the strength to be me without the addiction. I was 15
years old when it all started. I was a member of the dance team at our
local High School and I saw all of the other girls on my team. Man were
they gorgeous!!! I would watch them slip into their outfits and think
.."wow, I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of
confidence. Knowing everyone thought that I was beautiful."
But then I would look in the mirror and see ; Yep just me. I hated what I saw.
I hated who I was. Big hips and thighs, flat chested. Oh how the sight
was unbearable. Just plain old me. I saw fat everywhere. In
my face, on my arms, legs, butt, thighs. It was sickening. Looking
back now I know I wasn't fat but I couldn't help it then. I would go home
after school cook , clean, go to work or dance, and then come back home.
My home life was rough too. I thought many times about how that
contributed to my lack of self esteem. I had brothers and sisters and
thinking back none of them had much self esteem either. But at the time
all I could hear was how one of my sisters was the "pretty"
one. She was always pushed toward the boys, pushed toward any guy that my
parents thought she should woo. I had secretly wished to be called
pretty. At least once. But to no avail. I was made fun of and
criticized for what I looked like. For the size of my body or my weird
hair or how I wasn't just like my sister. I didn't have a lot of friends
at school but I really didn't have enemies either. It was more the fact
that I was invisible to most and tolerated by the ones that did see me.
So during that Sophomore year I decided that I was going to change my
appearance. My family was very controlling. I wasn't allowed to go out
with friends, no exercising, I wasn't even allowed to study for school until
the dinner was done and cleaned up along with laundry completed. (this task was
like trying to clear out a forest in 1 hour. Impossible) There were many
nights that I would wake up to my mom screaming at me about not getting it done
while still sitting on the huge pile of laundry with my books in my lap trying
to study. I was a mess and so with that control I took control, or what I
thought was control, of how I'd become "beautiful." I began
starving myself for days. I'd skip lunch to work out at a local park so
that know one would know. I would "miss" the bus so that I
could jog home. But this only lasted for a little while because my family
began to notice me not eating. It became a real physical fight so I had
to change the plan. I Would eat, but no one said I had to keep it
down. Over about 10 years I had this "disorder," although
to me it was a means to a an end. I had married in the mean time and
began a family. I had successfully kept this from my husband and from my
kids. I would hear them outside the bathroom door calling for me and that
is when I began to feel guilty. What was I teaching them? What was
I teaching them about their bodies and their self esteem? I had never
really reached the goal that I had aspired too and so in my mind I still wanted
to. But my love for my girls was strong enough to wake some sense in
me. This was my Edge. This moment here is where I could see that I
needed to make a change and jump to a better place and become better for my
girls but I still wanted to hang on to my disorder that had now become such an
addiction that it seemed almost impossible to end. I sat staring at the
water in the toilet for a very long time, and then I did something that I
hadn't planned on doing. I began to talk out loud. Out loud to God
asking him to help me stop this mess I had gotten myself into. Help me to see
myself in a better light. How could I teach my girls to love themselves IF I
didn't love me. It was the first time in 10 years that I got up without finishing
what I had started. I felt incomplete, hollow, like part of me was left
behind. But I also felt empowered. Something that I had never ever
felt before. Every day for about 2 years after that day was extremely
difficult. I would go to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub
constantly trying to talk myself out of a bad decision. Listening
intently to my children play out side the door. I would pray inwardly
that the lord would give me strength to stand and walk out. Some days I
had the strength and others I would fail. But what I did learn was to
never give up. I had to take that first step and it was by far the
hardest. When I go back through my journals and read excerpts from that time I
realize now how out of control I was. There are so many hate messages I
wrote to myself. I couldn't believe how much pain I had caused myself by
trying to be the "pretty" one. I have promised that I
will never do this again. I need to be strong for my beautiful girls and
for my strong and stalwart boys. I love them too much to allow this kind
of thing to hurt them. It has been another 10 years since that first step
and I have only the occasional whisper of the addiction left. Sometimes
it calls from a distance but I have learned how to quickly dissolve it.
No one ever escapes the temptations that Satan so readily displays in front of
us. It crashes down in waves all around us. It sounds as loud as a
thundering train in our ears trying to get us to succumb to his way so he can tear
us down and make us feel as there is no hope. But there is hope. There
was a man that was looking for hope just like me, and just like me he had
moments of weakness, "And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it
be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when
Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he
cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth
his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith,
wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matt:14: 28-31) This was my
edge. I learned that God listens and he will help if we will call out to
him. Even when we are afraid and we have no hope his hope is sufficient."
(Anonymous)
“ And now, my
sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is
Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil
shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when
all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power
over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the
rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon
if men build they cannot fall.” Helaman 5:12
Thank you oh thank you so very much
for your story. You are an incredible woman. You have overcome odds
that are insurmountable and come out on top. I know it has to be hard to
share this story, but there are many men and women out there that are fighting
this same battle, and because of your example they may find the strength to
stand and walk away from that temptation. Your story is an incredible
story of strength and character. I love you and again thank you for such an
incredible feat. Thank you oh thank you again.
Remember to please
email me your story of strength and courage. I will stay in contact with
you and feature you (anonymously if you wish) in the next blog. This is a
way to inspire change for good in someone that may need just a little bit more
to help them while they are at that edge of their miracle. Send me your story to edgeofthemiracle@gmail.com
With your help we can help many many others.
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